What Do You Know About Gaslighting?
Turns out “gaslighting” is the word of the year for 2022 per Merriam-Webster. The term gets thrown around a lot these days but calling attention to this form of manipulation can feel really validating for those struggling with it.
Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic used to make a person (“victim”) mistrust their own perceptions and believe their view of reality is false. Whether intentional or unintentional, gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and is often part of a larger pattern of abusive behaviors used to control another person.
What does gaslighting sound like?
Someone who is engaging in gaslighting, will repeatedly invalidate the other person’s perception of reality and deny her subjective experience of emotions. The gaslighter might use phrases like “this is all in your head” or “that never happened.” Victims of gaslighting often begin to doubt their own beliefs, feelings, and memories and begin to defer to the person who is gaslighting them, which is precisely what the gaslighter wants. Gaslighting is most effective and insidious when it is gradually applied over time. It might start in small, subtle ways, which lead the victim to become progressively “brainwashed” into questioning her own sanity.
Gaslighting can occur in any type of relationship and most commonly occurs in relationships that involve disproportionate power dynamics such as romantic relationships with a dominant partner, parent-child relationships, boss-employee interactions, and institutions of authority (e.g. medical settings, schools, government, etc).
Signs and behaviors of gaslighting:
Invalidating a person’s perception of reality or denying their subjective experience of emotions. If you’re being gaslighted, you may hear things like “you’re crazy.”
Accusing the victim of fabricating the truth or outright lying. This might sound like “that never happened” or “you completely made that up.”
Splitting victims off from contact with others and intentionally becoming the “middleman” to control information.
Using negative stereotypes or blanket statements against the victim such as “no one else thinks that way” or “everyone else said you’re out of line.”
Having behaviors or actions that do not align with what they say they will do or lying about their behavior.
Projecting their own emotions or behaviors onto the victim such as saying, “you’re being really cruel to me” when in reality the person who is gaslighting is the person being cruel.
Twisting the victim’s words to intentionally confuse them or redirect attention.
Gaslighting can have lasting negative impacts on a person’s mental health and sense of wellbeing.
Common psychological impacts of gaslighting:
Anxiety
Depression
Mistrust
Chronic self-doubt
Low self-esteem
Indecisiveness
Harsh self-criticism
Confusion
What to do if you think you’re being gaslighted
Awareness and identifying the signs of gaslighting is the first step. Reference the list of gaslighting behaviors and notice if any of them sound similar to what you’re experiencing.
If you believe you’re being gaslighted, you can start by addressing it with the other person directly as a first line of action if you do not feel that doing so would put you in danger. Sometimes the gaslighter does not realize that they are gaslighting or how their behavior is hurting you. Calling attention to the gaslighting behavior can help to bring about change. For example, you can say to a partner, “I notice that you invalidate my feelings when I share that I’m feeling upset.”
Second line of action is to recruit a safe, neutral outsider to help assess and intervene. This might look like seeking professional help in couples or family therapy. Another step that you can take if you think you are being gaslighted is to gather and maintain evidence (saving messages or documenting things in a way that cannot later be denied) to help reassure yourself if you begin to question your perceptions.
You can also utilize domestic violence crisis resources. Violence is not always physical. Psychological and emotional abuse are harmful and need to be taken seriously. Abuse is never acceptable.
Additionally, a common effect of gaslighting is social withdrawal, and gaslighting behavior may include intentionally limiting or isolating victims from social contacts as a way of maintaining control. With that in mind, it’s important to stay connected to your friends and family.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1- 800-799-7233
About the Author: Sage Grazer, LCSW
I am a licensed psychotherapist providing online therapy to young professionals struggling with anxiety, burnout, trauma, loss, and relationship issues. I work with adults to help them develop the insight, skills, and resilience to cope with whatever life stresses come their way. I specialize in helping high-achieving women overcome anxiety and burnout to feel more confident, empowered, and effective in their lives. If you’re a resident of California or Hawaii, schedule a free consultation to learn more.