What is Gaslighting? How to Recognize the Signs and Reclaim Your Reality
“Gaslighting” was Merriam-Webster’s Word of the Year in 2022—and for good reason. Searches for the term spiked by 1,740%, showing just how many people are seeking to understand this subtle yet devastating form of manipulation. While it’s often overused or misapplied, recognizing true gaslighting can be profoundly validating for those who’ve experienced it. Understanding how it works is a key step toward reclaiming clarity, self-trust, and power.
What Is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation in which one person seeks to make another doubt their own memories, perceptions, or sanity. It can be either intentional or unintentional, but it’s always harmful. Over time, gaslighting can erode a person’s sense of self, often leaving them feeling confused, anxious, and unsure of their reality. Gaslighting frequently occurs as part of a broader pattern of control in abusive dynamics.
What Does Gaslighting Sound Like?
People who gaslight often use repetitive, dismissive, or contradictory language to invalidate someone’s thoughts or emotions. This might include phrases like:
“You’re overreacting.”
“That never happened.”
“You’re being dramatic.”
“It’s all in your head.”
Over time, the person being gaslighted may begin to second-guess their feelings, memories, and even their sanity. They may start to defer to the gaslighter’s version of events, which is exactly the intended outcome.
Gaslighting is particularly dangerous because it’s often subtle and cumulative. It starts small and escalates gradually, making it difficult to identify until significant damage has been done.
What Are the 4 Types of Gaslighting?
While gaslighting can take many forms, it often falls into four broad categories, first outlined by psychologist Robin Stern in The Gaslight Effect and supported by other clinicians and researchers.
Understanding these types can help you recognize the different ways someone might try to distort your reality:
1. Withholding
This involves refusing to engage with your thoughts or emotions. The gaslighter might pretend not to understand or accuse you of being confusing or irrational as a way to shut down the conversation (Verywell Health).
Examples:
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You’re not making any sense.”
“You’re too emotional to have this conversation.”
Impact: You may begin to doubt whether your feelings are valid or whether you're being unreasonable for bringing up concerns.
2. Countering
In this form, the gaslighter challenges your memory or perception of events—even when they’re clear to you. They may offer alternative narratives to make you question your version of reality (PsychCentral).
Examples:
“That’s not how it happened.”
“You’re remembering it wrong.”
“You always exaggerate.”
Impact: You start to second-guess your memory, even about things you previously felt sure of.
3. Trivializing
This involves minimizing your emotions or making you feel like your reactions are irrational or overblown. The goal is to make you feel like your feelings don’t matter.
Examples:
“You’re being dramatic.”
“Why are you making such a big deal out of nothing?”
“You’re too sensitive.”
Impact: You may begin to silence yourself and stop expressing how you feel to avoid judgment or ridicule.
4. Diverting
The gaslighter deflects from the topic or shifts blame to avoid accountability. This can include changing the subject, attacking your credibility, or questioning your motives.
Examples:
“You’re just trying to start a fight.”
“Why are you always so negative?”
“You read too much into things.”
Impact: Conversations become circular and unproductive, leaving you feeling confused, guilty, or like the problem is always you.
Recognizing these types of gaslighting can help you begin to identify patterns, whether in your relationships, your workplace, or your own self-talk. Naming what’s happening is a powerful first step toward regaining clarity and self-trust.
Where Does Gaslighting Occur?
Gaslighting can happen in any relationship, but it’s most common in dynamics with a power imbalance, such as:
Romantic partnerships (especially with a controlling partner)
Parent-child relationships
Workplaces, particularly between bosses and employees
Medical settings—sometimes referred to as medical gaslighting
Institutions of authority, including schools and government
Signs and Behaviors of Gaslighting
Common gaslighting behaviors include:
Denying or minimizing your emotional experience: “You’re too sensitive.”
Accusing you of lying or misremembering: “You made that up.”
Isolating you from others and controlling communication
Using generalizations to discredit you: “No one else thinks that way.”
Acting inconsistently with their words—or lying outright
Projecting their own actions or feelings onto you: “You’re being cruel.”
Twisting your words to confuse or redirect the conversation
Psychological Impacts of Gaslighting
Gaslighting can deeply affect your emotional wellbeing, leading to:
Anxiety
Depression
Chronic self-doubt
Low self-esteem
Indecisiveness
Harsh self-criticism
Mistrust
Persistent confusion
What to Do If You Think You’re Being Gaslighted
Awareness is the first step. If the signs described above feel familiar, take time to reflect on your experiences and assess the dynamics in your relationship.
Wondering what to say to someone who is gaslighting you? If you feel safe doing so, you can try naming the behavior with the other person. In some cases, the gaslighter may not fully understand the impact of their words. For example, you might say, “I feel dismissed when you tell me I’m overreacting. My feelings are valid, even if we see things differently.”
Other steps you can take:
Document interactions: Save messages, emails, or keep a journal to help you stay grounded in your own experience.
Reach out for outside support: Speak to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist who can offer perspective and validation.
Seek professional help: Therapy can be a powerful tool, especially if you’re navigating a complex or long-term situation. Couples or family therapy may help in certain cases—but only when it feels emotionally and physically safe to engage.
Use crisis resources when needed: Emotional abuse is real and serious. If you’re experiencing ongoing psychological harm, help is available. Abuse is never acceptable.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
Stay Connected
Gaslighting often leads to isolation, whether by design or as a byproduct of self-doubt. Make a conscious effort to stay connected to your support system. Talking to people who know and trust you can help counteract the distorted narrative gaslighting creates.
Can You Gaslight Yourself?
In short, yes—self-gaslighting is real.
While gaslighting is most often discussed in the context of interpersonal manipulation, many people unknowingly internalize these patterns and begin to doubt or dismiss their own thoughts, feelings, or memories even when no one else is directly causing them to.
Self-gaslighting can sound like:
“Maybe I’m just overreacting.”
“It wasn’t that bad—I should just get over it.”
“I’m probably remembering that wrong.”
“They didn’t mean to hurt me, so it must be my fault I feel this way.”
This often stems from internalized messages from past experiences, especially if you've had caregivers, partners, or authority figures who routinely dismissed your reality. Over time, you may begin to repeat those same patterns in your own self-talk. Trauma survivors and people with a history of emotional abuse are especially vulnerable to this kind of self-doubt.
Self-gaslighting can also be fueled by perfectionism, shame, or a need to maintain harmony with others, leading you to invalidate your emotional needs in order to avoid conflict or discomfort.
How to Interrupt Self-Gaslighting:
Name it: Start by recognizing the voice of self-doubt. Ask yourself: Would I say this to a friend?
Validate your experience: It’s okay to feel what you feel. Emotional responses are clues—not flaws.
Challenge inner narratives: Just because you’re questioning yourself doesn’t mean you’re wrong.
Seek supportive reflection: Talking to a trusted person or therapist can help you reality-check your doubts and begin rebuilding trust in your own perspective.
Undoing the effects of gaslighting—whether from others or internalized—takes time. But healing begins the moment you start listening to yourself again with compassion and curiosity.
Gaslighting FAQs
Why do people gaslight?
People gaslight for a variety of reasons—often to gain power, avoid accountability, or manipulate others into compliance. In some cases, gaslighting is intentional and used as a deliberate control tactic. In other cases, it may be unconscious, rooted in the person’s own unresolved insecurities, defensiveness, or fear of losing control in a relationship.
For example, someone might gaslight to:
Shift blame and avoid responsibility
Preserve their self-image by denying harm caused
Maintain dominance in a relationship dynamic
Dismiss uncomfortable emotions they don’t want to confront
Regardless of intent, gaslighting is always harmful, as it erodes trust, reality, and self-worth.
What is the origin of the term “gaslighting”?
The term “gaslighting” comes from the 1938 stage play Gas Light, which was later adapted into the 1944 film Gaslight. In the film, a husband manipulates his wife into thinking she’s losing her mind by subtly dimming the gas lights in their home and insisting she’s imagining it. His goal is to discredit her perceptions so he can control her and conceal his own wrongdoing (Merriam-Webster).
This story became a powerful metaphor for emotional manipulation, and the term has since evolved to describe any dynamic where a person makes someone question their reality or sanity.
Is gaslighting abuse?
Yes. Gaslighting is a form of emotional and psychological abuse. It involves repeated invalidation, manipulation, and distortion designed to undermine a person's confidence in their own perception of reality.
While emotional abuse doesn’t always leave physical marks, the psychological toll can be just as damaging. People who experience prolonged gaslighting often develop symptoms like anxiety, depression, chronic self-doubt, and even trauma-related responses. The National Domestic Violence Hotline recognizes gaslighting as a form of abuse, especially when it occurs in patterns alongside other controlling behaviors.
What is gaslighting in the workplace?
Workplace gaslighting occurs when a colleague, manager, or leadership figure manipulates an employee into doubting their performance, credibility, or understanding of events. It’s often used to avoid accountability or to preserve organizational hierarchies.
Common workplace gaslighting behaviors include:
Denying past conversations or agreements
Blaming employees for mistakes they didn’t make
Minimizing or dismissing legitimate concerns
Undermining confidence with subtle sabotage
Creating confusion about roles, expectations, or deadlines
This kind of manipulation can lead to burnout, isolation, and job dissatisfaction—and it often mirrors the same patterns seen in abusive interpersonal relationships (Psychology Today).
Final Thoughts
Gaslighting thrives in secrecy, silence, and self-doubt. Naming it is a powerful act. Whether you’re just beginning to recognize the signs or already taking steps toward healing, know that your reality and your feelings are valid. You deserve relationships built on respect, honesty, and emotional safety.
Article updated 07/24/2025
About the Author: Sage Grazer, LCSW
I am a licensed psychotherapist providing online therapy to adults struggling with anxiety, burnout, trauma, loss, and relationship issues. I help clients develop the insight, skills, and resilience to cope with whatever life stresses come their way. I specialize in helping high-achieving young professionals overcome anxiety and burnout to feel more confident, empowered, and effective in their lives. If you’re a resident of California or Hawaii, schedule a free consultation to learn more.