How Can Good Self-Esteem Help You Through Difficult Situations?
Life inevitably presents us with challenging moments, a breakup, job loss, health crisis, or any number of stressful events. Self-esteem is a critical but often overlooked factor in effectively navigating these difficult situations. In this blog post, I'll explore the nuances of self-esteem versus ego, how early childhood experiences shape self-esteem, offer practical strategies for cultivating self-esteem, and highlight how self-esteem relates to resilience, grit, and emotional intelligence.
Self-Esteem vs Ego: Why Real Worth Matters in Hard Times
Understanding self-esteem starts with distinguishing it from inflated ego or arrogance. True self-esteem involves having a realistic, compassionate view of yourself, recognizing your inherent worth, and accepting yourself despite imperfections.
Self-esteem is grounded in self-respect and self-compassion, unlike ego or arrogance, which rely on external validation and comparison and serve to mask deeper insecurities. Genuine self-esteem remains stable even during setbacks because it’s anchored in authentic self-worth.
What Causes Low Self-Esteem?
Low self-esteem often originates in childhood and is influenced by early life experiences, relationships, and the messages received from caregivers. According to research, individuals who experience emotional neglect or early-life stress are more likely to develop insecure attachment styles, leading to lower self-worth (BMC Psychiatry). Early interactions shape attachment patterns that can persist into adulthood, contributing significantly to self-perception and emotional health.
Self-esteem is not a fixed trait; it evolves throughout the lifespan and is shaped by a range of life experiences, relationships, and developmental stages. During adolescence, peer acceptance, body image, and academic or extracurricular performance can play a significant role in shaping self-esteem. In adulthood, self-esteem may fluctuate in response to career achievements or setbacks, relationship dynamics, parenting roles, or major life transitions such as divorce or job loss. Later in life, factors like aging, retirement, health challenges, and changes in social identity can further impact one’s sense of self-worth. Because self-esteem is tied to how we interpret our value and place in the world, it remains vulnerable to internal and external influences across all stages of life. The good news is that low self-esteem can be worked on and improved in therapy.
Common Signs of Low Self-Esteem
Identifying low self-esteem is a crucial first step toward addressing it. Common signs include:
Constant self-doubt or harsh self-criticism
Difficulty accepting praise
Feeling like an imposter
Avoidance of risks due to fear of failure
Chronic people-pleasing or perfectionism
Understanding these signs helps illuminate underlying issues, making the path to improvement clearer.
Daily Habits to Build and Maintain Healthy Self-Esteem
Building healthy self-esteem is an ongoing process supported by intentional, daily practices. Here’s how you can practically cultivate it:
Positive Self-Talk: Regularly remind yourself of your strengths and accomplishments, replacing harsh inner criticism with supportive affirmations (NHS UK).
Why this works: Positive self-talk reinforces healthy self-beliefs and fosters emotional resilience.
Set Small, Achievable Goals: Accomplishing manageable tasks boosts your sense of competence and confidence (Cleveland Clinic).
Why this works: Small victories create momentum, reinforcing your belief in your abilities.
Self-Care Rituals: Prioritize activities that nourish your emotional and physical well-being, such as hobbies, exercise, or relaxation.
Why this works: Regular self-care reinforces your sense of worth by demonstrating your own value to yourself.
Surround Yourself with Support: Connect with people who reflect your worth and offer encouragement.
Why this works: Positive relationships validate your self-worth, providing emotional reinforcement during challenges.
Therapy or Counseling: Seeking structured support through self-esteem counseling or self-confidence therapy helps challenge negative beliefs.
Why this works: Therapeutic guidance offers alternative perspectives and personalized tools, which are essential for lasting change and sustained improvement.
With these foundational practices in mind, let's consider how healthy self-esteem practically impacts your response to life's inevitable challenges.
Making time for self-care builds self-esteem.
Following through on commitments to yourself reinforces your sense of worth by demonstrating your own value to yourself. Whether it’s a relaxing outing in nature, taking your favorite yoga class, or spending quality time with the people who lift you up, finding ways to show up for yourself is part of the process of building self-esteem.
Navigating Difficult Situations with High Self-Esteem: A Concrete Example
Consider an unexpected job loss. Someone with low self-esteem might spiral into self-doubt, feeling inadequate or worthless, leading to increased anxiety, depression, and withdrawal from social interactions.
In contrast, a person with healthy self-esteem will recognize the difficulty but maintain perspective, thinking, "This setback doesn’t define my worth. I have valuable skills and strengths." They actively engage in confidence-building exercises such as networking, updating their resume, and setting clear action steps toward finding new opportunities.
Research has consistently linked higher self-esteem with improved life outcomes, including financial success and overall well-being. This ability to recover and thrive isn't just about self-esteem in isolation, but how it powerfully interacts with other psychological strengths.
The Intersection of Self-Esteem, Resilience, Grit, and Emotional Intelligence
Self-esteem closely interacts with key psychological constructs, enabling a more effective response to life's challenges:
Resilience: High self-esteem enhances resilience, allowing for a quicker recovery from setbacks. A person with high self-esteem views a failed project as a learning opportunity, not a personal failure, enabling them to try again with renewed effort.
Grit: Strong self-worth fuels perseverance toward long-term goals despite adversity. This internal belief in one's capability prevents abandoning a difficult goal due to a temporary roadblock.
Emotional Intelligence: Healthy self-esteem supports better emotional regulation, self-awareness, and interpersonal relationships. It allows individuals to recognize and manage their emotions, responding thoughtfully rather than reactively, which strengthens social interactions.
Ultimately, a strong sense of self-worth is a foundational psychological asset that enhances your ability to navigate challenges, persevere toward goals, and manage relationships.
Self-Compassion: A Key Foundation of Self-Esteem
Self-compassion offers a powerful, action-oriented foundation for building lasting self-esteem. Instead of judging yourself harshly for imperfections, self-compassion involves treating yourself with kindness and understanding, much like you would a friend.
This practice is built on three core components:
Self-Kindness vs. Self-Judgment: When you make a mistake, instead of engaging in negative self-talk, you actively choose to be gentle with yourself, moving from a place of judgment to one of loving support. This reduces the inner turmoil that often accompanies setbacks and frees up energy to find solutions.
Shared Humanity vs. Isolation: Recognizing that suffering and personal failures are part of the human experience prevents you from feeling isolated in your struggles. It shifts your perspective from "something is wrong with me" to "this is a difficult moment, and many people experience this."
Mindfulness vs. Over-Identification: This involves observing your painful emotions and thoughts without being consumed by them. You can acknowledge feelings of inadequacy without letting them define your entire self-worth.
By integrating these practices, self-compassion enhances emotional resilience, mood regulation and overall psychological well-being.
Supporting Others With Low Self-Esteem
Effectively supporting a partner or loved one experiencing low self-esteem involves patience, empathy, and intentional actions. Relationships significantly benefit from mutual positive self-esteem, promoting healthier communication, trust, and emotional connection.
Conversely, low self-esteem can strain relationships, leading to insecurity, dependency, jealousy, and frequent misunderstandings. Here’s how you can effectively support someone experiencing low self-esteem:
Be Supportive: Regularly acknowledge their genuine strengths and efforts, helping them to build a realistic and affirming image of themselves. People with low self-esteem often struggle to recognize their worth, making external validation and encouragement crucial in helping them rebuild confidence.
Encourage Therapy: Promote professional support through therapy for low self-esteem, which provides tailored strategies to build their confidence and self-worth. Therapy offers a structured and safe environment to explore and address underlying issues contributing to low self-esteem, equipping you with practical tools for improvement.
Model Healthy Self-Esteem: Demonstrating a secure and positive self-concept yourself can positively influence and inspire your loved one. When you exemplify healthy self-esteem, you naturally foster an environment that promotes self-acceptance, positivity, and emotional stability, benefiting everyone involved.
Being around people with high self-esteem often leads to more positive interactions, as these people are typically more confident, emotionally balanced, and resilient. Their presence encourages others to adopt similar attitudes, creating a nurturing and supportive atmosphere. Beyond personal modeling and encouragement, one of the most effective ways to support someone, or yourself, is through professional help for self-esteem.
The Role of Therapy in Building Self-Esteem
There are several types of therapy that can be very beneficial in addressing low self-esteem.
1. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is one of the most widely researched and effective approaches for low self-esteem. CBT helps you identify and challenge negative thought patterns, like "I'm not good enough" or "I always mess things up", and replace them with more balanced, realistic beliefs.
CBT helps clients learn to:
Notice automatic negative thoughts
Practice cognitive restructuring
Build new behavioral patterns that support confidence and agency (APA)
2. Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT)
If you struggle with a harsh inner critic, Compassion-Focused Therapy can be especially healing. CFT helps individuals develop self-kindness and reduce feelings of shame. It draws on practices from mindfulness, neuroscience, and evolutionary psychology to cultivate an internal sense of safety and acceptance. CFT is particularly helpful for those whose low self-esteem is rooted in past trauma or chronic self-criticism (Positive Psychology).
3. Psychodynamic Therapy
Psychodynamic therapy explores how early relationships and unconscious patterns may be influencing how you view yourself today. If you find yourself repeating familiar emotional cycles, such as feeling like you’re not enough, craving external validation, or fearing rejection, psychodynamic therapy can help you gain insight into the origins of those beliefs and begin to shift them. This approach can be especially helpful when low self-esteem is longstanding or linked to attachment wounds.
4. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy teaches people how to accept difficult thoughts and feelings without letting them control behavior. Instead of trying to eliminate negative self-beliefs, ACT encourages mindfulness and values-based action, even when self-doubt is present.
ACT can be empowering for individuals who want to build self-esteem by living more in alignment with their values, rather than waiting until they "feel confident enough" to make changes (ACT Mindfully).
Therapy Can Help You Rebuild Your Sense of Self
No matter the therapeutic approach, what’s most important is finding a space where you feel safe, seen, and supported. A skilled therapist can help you explore the roots of your low self-esteem, challenge limiting beliefs, and take steps toward a more empowered, self-compassionate life.
FAQs on Self-Esteem
What's the difference between healthy self-reflection and self-criticism?
Healthy self-reflection is about learning and growth—it's a process of objectively examining an experience to understand what you could do differently next time. Self-criticism, on the other hand, is a harsh, judgmental internal attack that often focuses on your inherent worth rather than your actions.
How do I practice self-compassion in a tangible way?
A tangible way to practice self-compassion is to treat yourself as you would a dear friend. When you're struggling, ask yourself: "What would I say to a friend in this situation?" Then, apply that same kindness and understanding to yourself. You can also try a simple self-compassion exercise, such as placing your hand on your heart and saying a kind phrase to yourself.
How do past experiences from my childhood influence my self-esteem today?
Childhood experiences, particularly with caregivers, often shape our core beliefs about ourselves. If you received conditional praise or were often criticized, you might have developed a belief that your worth is tied to your performance. Therapy, especially psychodynamic therapy, can help you uncover these early experiences and understand their impact on your present-day self-esteem.
How to Love Yourself and Be Confident
Learning to love yourself and build confidence is a lifelong practice. It involves consistently choosing self-compassion, setting and protecting healthy boundaries, and aligning your daily actions with your core values. When you strengthen your self-esteem in this way, you’re not just preparing yourself to handle adversity, you’re laying the foundation for a more fulfilling, balanced, and connected life.
If you or someone you care about is struggling with self-criticism or low self-esteem, therapy can offer a safe, supportive space to uncover the roots of self-doubt and begin building lasting self-worth. Reach out today to take the first step toward a stronger, more confident version of yourself.
About the Author: Sage Grazer, LCSW
I am a licensed psychotherapist providing online therapy to adults struggling with anxiety, burnout, trauma, loss, and relationship issues. I help clients develop the insight, skills, and resilience to cope with whatever life stresses come their way. I specialize in helping high-achieving young professionals overcome anxiety and burnout to feel more confident, empowered, and effective in their lives. If you’re a resident of California or Hawaii, schedule a free consultation to learn more.